Struggles

Hello!
I've noticed a lot of posts going around the blogging world lately about the difficulties and joys of motherhood and I thought I should grace the world with my experiences.
To start off, I love love love being a mom. It is by far the best thing I have ever done. I would not trade it for anything. I love when my little boy stares at me while he eats, I love his smiles that he is generally very willing to share, I love his laughter, I love how alert he is (except at bedtime), I love how in love he is with his daddy and how they play together, I love that Zane immediately knows of my presence when I come into a room and he can recognize my voice instantly. I love my wonderful, beautiful, sweet little boy.
That being said.. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I'm not going to go into every detail about why motherhood is hard, but right now I'm going to go into the one that I am having the hardest time with. *note, this would be a good time to stop reading for those that don't want to hear about realistic mommy issues.
I've felt really emotionally drained lately because there is a huge fit going on about breastfeeding right now. Here is my truth: I don't breastfeed. Zane had a really hard time latching in the beginning and after two agonizing weeks of working hours on end with him I finally gave up and decided to pump and bottle feed him instead. I never realized how angry this made other women. I have been flat out told I am a bad mom because I will never had that "emotional connection" with my baby that you get through breastfeeding, and I had every ability to have it with him. That there is no logical reason why I shouldn't be able to breastfeed him. I don't work, I don't go to school right now, my life is him, why can't I do the simple act of breastfeeding him? And when you've been told something like that, it's pretty much impossible to let it go and not think about it. So many women act so confused that a stay at home mom would pump instead of feed her baby straight from the tap, so to speak. It is so hard talking to other moms because I am embarrassed about it. I know I shouldn't be, but people are really judgmental about it.
Well here is the other kicker: Zane is a half breast milk, half formula baby. I have never produced enough milk for him, right from the start. I drink water constantly, I make sure I eat enough calories, get enough sleep, I stay away from food/drinks that supposedly inhibits production, I pump regularly, met with lactation consultants, nothing works. At best, in a 6-8 hour period, I get maybe half of what he needs for a full meal, and he eats about every four hours. I feel horribly guilty all the time, *TMI moment* girls talk about how they spray their babies in the face they have so much milk and that they are constantly having to pump after just to keep from engorging. I've never had any experience like that. I've had several mastitis problems, but I've never had to deal with the woes of Zane having "too much". I've never built up a supply, I can't be away from Zane for more than a couple hours at a time because he is picky and won't take just straight formula, it has to be mixed with breast milk that is in very short supply. (Oh, and he has a hard time handling formula so he spits up at random pretty much all the time). It is super stressful and very discouraging. And once again, a lot of moms out there feel like they need to tell you how you are doing it wrong. I would love love love love to be able to feed my son breast milk straight from the tap 24/7. I constantly go over and over in my mind about how if I hadn't given up trying to get him to latch then maybe I would have a better supply and we would all be happier, etc. I don't mean to complain, life is what it is, I'm just grateful my baby is growing and healthy and happy. I have openly told women I don't care about their opinions when they start telling me about what I'm doing wrong or why I should have fought harder to breastfeed (this happens way more often than you'd think by the way).
I am a good mom, I work really hard to keep Zane happy and stimulated (some days are much harder than others). I do what I can with feeding him and I am still going to try really hard (hopefully successfully) with my next baby. I'm just really really ready for Zane to be able to eat other food and for women to stop telling me how to feed my baby.
On top of all that, none of my clothes fit, I have stretch marks that can be seen from space, I have an entirely new body that I do not always feel all that great about, and I feel like I haven't had a decent haircut in months. But those are stories for another day.
*I do not mind talking about feeding babies, breast feeding straight or bottle feeding, formula feeding, whatever. I enjoy hearing other struggles and success stories. I just get tired of personally feeling inadequate as a mother and on top of that other women telling me how inadequate I am, too.

Baby Zane

Hello!
Guess what! I had a baby! Hooray!
Here is our story:
We've been getting ready to move for a few weeks now, which has kind of been extremely hectic because Curtis has lasik eye surgery in the middle of May and though that has been awesome, it kind of got in the way of things just a little. Friday was our big move day. We moved into my parents basement for the summer because our apartment was very impractical for a child (thin walls, scary stairs) and we haven't seen anything we're in love with yet and this way I have someone to help me with the baby.. etc.. There are lots of good reasons for our move and we have really enjoyed being at my parent's. Anyway... Big thank you Carl, Gary, Dan, Clayton, my dad, my mom, my mother-in-law, Kevin, and Colton. You guys rock.
Saturday we worked hard to get things set up in our new little place and I felt kinda funny all day. I wasn't having contractions yet, but it was hard to walk and to do stuff. I went with my mom to the plant nursery in the evening and that trip kind of did me in (Side note: I got sunflower seeds!). We came home and I relaxed the rest of the evening and at exactly 8:00 pm I had a contraction, then at around 8:10 I had another... And it just kept getting worse from there. I didn't think I was going into labor yet, I hadn't ever had 2+ contractions remotely close before. They didn't really hurt too bad until around 2 am.
At 4:30 am on Sunday I began crying they hurt so bad and they were about 5 minutes apart so we went to the hospital. We hung out for an hour and watched Friends and Curtis did the breathing thing with me for every contraction. Our nurse came back in and checked me and told us we'd be having the baby that day, but it was probably going to be in the evening. We had the option to go home and wait out some time there and we thought that would be best so we went home and tried to sleep a little, which didn't really work. Curtis helped me get ready for the day as much as I could and at 9:30 I couldn't take it anymore and we went back to the hospital. They checked me and admitted me.
I was in so much pain at this point that I couldn't even talk. I couldn't focus on anything except watching the clock, knowing it was going to hurt really again in so many minutes. Curtis was wonderful and tried to give me things to focus on and he breathed with me and held me and comforted me.
They got me an IV and after awhile I got my epidural (I was competing with an emergency surgery for the anesthesiologist). Immediately all that terrible contraction pain went away and I felt much better. I felt like I could keep going and I wasn't nearly as scared anymore.
We hung out for what felt like forever and my doctor came in and checked on my a couple of times. The epidural made my blood pressure drop significantly and so they gave me adrenaline and I had to wear an oxygen mask for a few hours. That was kind of annoying and at around 3 pm I was getting kind of restless and my IV hurt so the next couple hours were kind of hard. Then it came time to push which only took about half an hour (split up, they made me stop half way through and lay on my side for half an hour). My doctor came in and within 5-10 minutes of him showing up my little baby came into the world. He was so sweet and tiny. 6 lbs 6 oz 19 inches long. Lots of red hair and the cutest little face. He is perfect and I love him so much.
Curtis has gone above and beyond with Zane. He has no problem changing diapers or dealing with the fussy times.  Zane loves Curtis and stops crying pretty much the minute he is in his arms. It is so sweet. I love my new little boy and I can't believe how blessed I am that he is mine. It's hard sometimes getting used to being a parent but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my sweet little family and I am so excited for our adventures to come.

This is more of a rant than a post, and it's not very important anyway

Hello all :)
Today I am at 35 1/2 weeks and today I had my last cardiology appointment before the baby comes. Everything looks great! I'll get to more of the appointment in a bit..
I have an acknowledgement/complaint. I know people are trying to be helpful and nice, but I am sick of everyone telling me how to be pregnant/everything I am going to experience/already did experience. I don't mind helpful advice, but when it reaches the point of telling me I have to do stuff a certain way... It gets annoying. I really don't feel like I can go anywhere right now without someone saying something about exactly what to expect and how things should be going. And I've had a few women tell me what to expect in the first and second trimesters when I'm already in my third. Thanks... I won't (I'll try not to) go into specifics. But it gets really frustrating. Every woman's pregnancy is different. I'm not saying mine has been more difficult than anyone else's, but it really hasn't been that easy either. People keep giving me obvious advice on all the ways to get rid of the nausea, heartburn, aches and pains, everything. Really, you don't think I've tried peppermint? Ginger? Back rubs? Baths? Etc.. Really? Which leads me to my next (and biggest) issue....
A disclaimer:
I do not judge anyone for wanting to deliver a specific way, everyone is different and can handle different levels of pain, and I feel like anyone who is about to eject a child from their body has a right to do it in an environment they are comfortable with (within reason, meaning as long as you aren't being stupid and irresponsible and putting the child's life/your life in obvious danger). If you can handle a natural delivery then you are a stronger woman than I could ever be.
A back story:
I have congenital heart disease, meaning I've had heart problems since birth. I've had a few surgeries, and one of them has led to a scar tissue build up along my aorta where a weakening was cut and then the stronger parts were sewn back together. This has been a concern of my doctor's throughout my life, especially in my pregnancy. With pregnancy and labor, more blood rushes through the aorta, and a major concern is having that scar tissue re open or balloon. So far everything looks good, and I can go on with a regular delivery. However, because of the added stress, I am not a candidate to have my baby "naturally". I have to have the epidural and pain medications.
Holy crap... I am shocked at the number of people that are just not okay with this. They just shove their unwanted, and frankly rude opinions at me. "You take/are going to take medications? They are SO unhealthy for you!" Good heck people.. Yes, I have had four Tylenol, and two Sudafed my entire pregnacy, and an occasional Zofran for my nausea. Get over it! I promise you, the once every three month Tylenol is NOT going to screw with my system. I'm so glad oils and herbal treatments work for you, I wish more of them worked for me. I've tried. Only a few work for me, and I do use them once in awhile.
Even if I was good to go for having a natural delivery, trust me, I don't think I would do it. I've weighed both sides of this, and knowing me and what I feel like handling, I want an epidural. People say "Oh but that is so bad for your body! It is so unhealthy to have medication while you are delivering!" Yes.... For the once every few years I plan on doing this, I am sure it is going to take quite the toll on me and my body will immediately become addicted to/tolerant of the medication I am given during the few hours I am delivering a child...Geesh....
I suppose I am ranting, and I don't mean to, I am certainly not trying to sound rude. I have enjoyed getting advice and having people tell me things that helped them or baby products they like to use, but I appreciate when they keep in mind that my pregnancy is not the same as theirs, and just because they never had a problem or something solved their problem really easily, doesn't mean it has/will fix mine. I try a lot of things people tell me, and many of them do at least help me a little (some of them have indeed fixed problems), but they act so surprised if it doesn't work or they act like I just lied to them that it didn't work.
Anyway, I'll get over myself now and stop complaining. I am enjoying getting ready for my boy to get here and I am SO EXCITED to have him in my arms. I have the cutest husband in the world and I think he might be getting more excited than me at this point. :) Just maybe...

Counting the Days

Greetings!
It's been awhile, so I'll do some fun news and updates.
We're having a boy! Yay! He's so cute :) Being honest, at first I was a little surprised he was a boy. I was sure we were getting a girl. I am thrilled he is a  boy now that I have gotten used to it, but when we were first told I was kind of let down that I wouldn't be getting all of the baby girl clothes I saw at the mall the night before. But now that I've had time to get used to and super super excited about the idea, I can hardly wait to meet my little man.
This is kind of a TMI part, but it is kind of funny. There is no question he is a boy. We have a very very graphic picture of his manliness (that I will spare my readers from seeing). When I see that picture all that goes through my head is when they first showed Homer Simpson Bart after he was born and told him it was a boy and Homer shouts "AND WHAT A BOY!!!" My husband is super proud, and well, I am too :)
We don't have a name picked out for him yet, so we just call him Nibbler (yes, from Futurama).
As far as we can tell Nibbler is healthy and his heart looks great (mine wasn't so healthy when I was born, so we've been seeing a cardiologist up at Primary Children's to make sure he doesn't have issues too).
Nibbler is constantly moving. Anytime I remotely think "huh, I haven't felt him in awhile...." he flips and flops and pounces and I'm pretty sure skips around in my belly until I think he'll never stop. Needless to say, I'm TIRED!! It's surprising how much my energy just flies away at random.
 I still have some nausea throughout most days, but nothing like it used to be. Thank goodness! I feel like I can kind of function again!
This next part is kind of a ramble...
I have had a hard time with emotions during pregnancy. I talk back to strangers a lot more than I did before I was pregnant. Basically, I've pretty much never talked back to anyone, even when they've been completely on purpose rude to me. Now, I have no problem dishing it back. I have embarrassed Curtis on multiple occasions with this new development. I also feel the need to "rescue" everything, especially the babies and the animals, oh my gosh the animals... I have been so into animals lately it disgusts even me. Today I got to go look at the little ducklings at the store and just about cried I thought they were so cute. It's really pathetic. In my spare time, my brain makes me think about all the awful things that could possible happen to babies and animals. My husband thinks I'm absolutely insane, luckily he is patient and comforts me and helps me use the rational side of me that is buried deep down in there somewhere. It helps.
Anyway, pregnancy is weird. Super fun, and super hard, so it boils down to weird. I enjoy it, but I am counting down the days till it is over and I can meet my boy :)

Update on Life

Hello all! Happy New Year!! :D

Our new year started off really lame. Curtis and I made a fantastic dinner (yes, I am bragging) of orange chicken, fried rice, and beef and broccoli. Yum yum. We shared our meal with my brothers and a friend. After dinner Curtis and I were both exhausted (he is sick and I am always tired) so we decided to curl up on the couch and watch Emperor's New Groove (a tradition for us on New Years Eve). We fell asleep about half way through that and woke up with about 10 seconds to midnight. Happy New Year! Lame... Then we went to bed. We're too young to have such a boring new year.

Christmas was fun!  Curtis's mom went to go visit her daughter and family in New York for real Christmas so we had early Christmas with her and Curtis's siblings before she left. It was way fun. We had real Christmas with my family which was super fun too. We got some really fun gifts from both families. Our baby got some diapers from it's Uncle Carl and Aunt Jen, and some books with read along stuffed animals from my parents. Curtis's mom got us this awesome huge tent that we are super excited about. We got people lame presents because I am exhausted and out of my mind and Curtis is super busy. We'll do better next year...

Now onto life's big updates. Things are going well baby wise. I can feel it "flutter" every so often now. I feel like I'm starting to look pregnant. People say I don't though so maybe I'm just looking fat but either way I don't fit into my regular pants anymore. I still have constant nausea and at least daily vomiting. That is always fun. I am eating and drinking a lot more now though so at least that is good news.

Everything tastes at least a little different. I'm pretty sure I don't like chili anymore and red meat tastes terrible. Other than that though I really don't have any flat out aversions to food, it just all tastes a little different. I really don't like water right now for some reason and so I drink a lot of milk instead. Oh, and for some reason I can't cut onions. That overloads the nausea system. I can cook with them, hold them, do whatever, I just can't cut them. Weird.

My hips hurt like crazy. They hurt to the point where I can barely (if at all) walk sometimes. I cry a lot cause they hurt so bad. I try to exercise to get them to strengthen but it doesn't do much. All I want to do is lay down because they hurt and I'm exhausted (I am ALWAYS exhausted) but after about 10 minutes of laying down they just start to kill. I wake up at least 3 times a night because it hurts so bad and I have to shift and anyway.. Now I am just complaining. Moving on.

The second week of December was finals week and of course during the middle of the week, in the evening, while Curtis was at work, a deer ran into the side of my car while I was driving down main street. My car got pretty beat up (front driver's side, driver's door, steering and alignment) and is still in the shop but I'm okay and so is the baby. I'm grateful that it did such little damage all things considered. My awesome brother-in-law/mechanic, Carl, came and helped me and my car get home safely. I hope Boo (my car) gets home soon. Curtis's truck is so not pregnant lady friendly.

New semester starts next week. I'm not excited at all for school to start again but at least it should be an easy and fun semester for both Curtis and me. I'm taking five classes but three are online. Curtis is taking his last calculus class, a physics class, and some music class.

We get to find out soon what the baby is so I'll send out an update on that when we know! :D We are super excited! And no.. We honestly have no preferences on the boy or girl issue. They both have their benefits. I just want to know so I can feel like I can get this show on the road!

Until next time! :D

Big Surprise

Well this is kind of a weird post for me. 

Sometimes in life, you plan for things to go a certain way, and wait a few years to come along. And then sometimes someone decides to bless you with a different plan. 

About three months ago Curtis and I got the biggest surprise of our lives. I'm pregnant! At the moment I am 12 weeks along and due in early June.

We are very surprised, but very grateful for our sweet little blessing. This wasn't part of the plan for our lives right now. I was hoping to be finished with/finishing school when this came along but that just isn't the way it worked out. I am terrified, but thrilled that I get to have this blessing. I am so grateful I have such a sweet, hard working, patient husband who feels the same way. It took awhile to get used to, but we wouldn't change this situation for the world. Everything will be just fine :) And we are super excited for our new journey.

So far it hasn't been too easy, but I'm happy to do it. It has been fun and a little weird. I don't really have a noticeable bump yet (my pants that get tighter every day say otherwise), but I can feel something in my way every time I bend over. It's weird, but exciting. I have had terrible morning sickness (all day sickness) that has just left me exhausted and sick all the time. I have also had five colds/flus since being pregnant. I get one pretty much every other week. It's miserable. But good news. I have one of the most amazing men in existence for a husband. He takes such good care of me. He is always feeding me and pushing fluids on me. He has basically taken over all my household chores and cooking and he does such a wonderful job at it. I know it hasn't been easy on him but he never complains and always puts me first. He is so sweet. I am continually blown away by what a lucky girl I am to have found such an amazing person to take care of me and our little one. He is such an amazing daddy already. 

I am starting to feel a bit better with the morning sickness and I am praying I'll be back to normal fairly soon. Curtis deserves a break from all the extra things he has to do all the time. 

Our families have both been wonderful through this and we always have an extra meal or two in the fridge waiting for us. 

We had our second appointment today with the doctor and everything looks great. We have a cutie already. Heartbeat was perfect and things are great. I am so grateful for that. I have put this kid through a lot already. 

Again, we are very surprised, but so grateful for our little (big) blessing. I am so grateful to be blessed with such a wonderful husband who would do anything for me and our baby. I am scared but super excited for this new journey. I have the best companion to go through this with and an amazing support team of family and friends. 

More updates to come soon :)  

About Us

Hello!
Welcome to our blog! (Mostly Abby's blog, Curtis will probably never care to do anything with this).

Curtis and I met through my older brother in 2007. They were really good friends in high school. We became friends but I was younger than he was so we did our own thing for awhile. In September of 2008 Curtis left on an LDS mission to Washington and we ended up writing back and forth to each other. We became good friends. He got home in September of 2010 and we started hanging out a lot with each other and after awhile started dating. We were married in March of 2012 and we have loved being married! It is so much fun!

Curtis and I live in a little town in Utah while we go to school. He is studying mechanical engineering and I am studying nursing (probably). Right now school is basically our lives and it is hard to get in a lot of the activities we enjoy, but we still find ways to have fun and relax (maybe a little too much).  We enjoy traveling, hiking, camping, playing outside, reading, doing puzzles, watching movies, and just having fun together and with family and friends :)

Since we've been married we have been to Disneyland twice (once for our honeymoon, because we are awesome, and once with my family last month) and over the summer we got to go to New York City for a couple weeks to visit Curtis's sister and his family! It was so much fun!

Well that is a very brief summary of us. Expect more exciting posts soon :)